I am stuck – take two

Tracking tip of the day: Tracking something known. When you have had little tracking success, give your ego a boost by tracking something you know is going to be at a certain place at the certain time. Easter bunny? Santa Claus? A leprechaun? All of these things have days when they are prominent. Lay a trap, follow egg or gift trails back to the source, or just lie in wait for the day to come.

Upon revisiting this blog after a year break, I found a draft of a blog called “I am stuck.” It was basically me trying to figure out how to get out of the same rut I have been in for years. Quite clever use of Asimov’s Laws of Robotics and cars breaking down but it basically boiled down to I don’t know why I am stuck and don’t know how to get out of it.

So I didn’t publish that blog because it was basically me venting. Another year later and at least I have realized some reasons why I am stuck and, although I haven’t really fought my way free, at least I am moving forward. Sometimes I move miles forward in an hour, sometimes only an inch a day, sometimes not at all or even back a step. But I have learned to appreciate each small forward movement even despite those backward steps or I am pulled completely off my path. I have many more answers than I did at this time last year but also more questions. Perhaps posing both here will allow me to bounce ideas off the void and gain some insight.

The main reason I was stuck: I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I had many options and still do. Some make me excited, some not so much and some are merely obligations or things I thought I had to do. My number one conclusion after much introspection and talking to friends is this: I have very rarely put myself first (only a couple times that I can think of.) While that is not a bad thing, it has kept me from having my own life and following my own dreams and, in fact, kept me from even thinking I could have or deserve my own dreams.

There will always be obligations: family, earning a living so we don’t starve, etc. So I am learning to take some time for myself. It might only be a few hours a week but every minute is a step forward. I have succeeded somewhat in that I usually don’t feel guilty for that time, mainly because I feel renewed after. Right now that time is divided amongst several things, writing, exercise, and even playing video games. But as my focus grows on what I want, I am learning to balance the fun with the work so I can find out who I truly am and who I want to be.