Long road

Tracking tip of the week: Follow a flock of seagulls (not the band although those who do follow might be close to death) or better yet look for fighting seagulls. Whatever they are fighting over is most likely dead. Or at least we hope so. Oh and the correct term is a “wreck” of seagulls. Figures.

Well, since I last posted I have been waaaay down again and now mostly back up. It is strange that when you have been unhappy then happy, the plummet back down is even worse and lower! But I swung back up fairly quickly and I think I am ready to start blogging about how life tends to kick you and keep on kicking when you are down.

How did I up up in such a dark place? I will try to talk about events as they happened.

Years ago, (yes years), I was happy. I didn’t even know it until recently someone asked me  when was the last time I was happy. Took me an hour to figure it out but it was over 5 years ago. Five YEARS of unhappiness. Yes it started slow but the slide continued down and down until… well getting ahead.

Things were a little stressed, but no more so than anyone’s life married with two small children. My best friend was fighting breast cancer. She had beat it before and was still doing well and going strong. I was going to writing conferences, writing nearly every day and felt very close to getting published. Agents and editors were asking for manuscripts and I was getting positive feedback.

Then the hammer fell.

I was out to dinner with my kids, something we did whenever their father was out of town on business. He was always tired of eating out so when he was home I made home-cooked meals. Well me and the kids loved to go out so I figured this was a win-win.

He called on the cell while we were out, I told him where we were and he said “What are you doing spending my money?” I was floored. I was a stay-at-home mom, yes, but I also taught some private music lessons and made money in other small jobs. When he got home, I threw money at him, saying I earned this teaching so here was money for the dinner.

“That’s not what I meant.” “What did you mean?” He shrugs. We fought for a while but it came down to this last sentence I said. “So basically if I am not making money, I am not doing anything worthwhile?” He said, “Well…” and spread his hands out. So I had to give up conferences, etc. (I NEVER stopped writing but it did slow quite a bit) and try to find some sort of job where I could be a full-time mom too. I love being a mom and homemaker, was in the middle of redecorating our house, and writing was my passion but I had to give it all up to keep peace in the family.

Being the peacekeeper that I am, I kept making excuses for him. Maybe he is losing his job. Maybe he doesn’t make as much as I thought. Maybe he doesn’t realize how hard I work.

Then I found out that NONE of this was true. He had just got a promotion, along with a raise and was looking at another soon. We weren’t in debt at all, socking away lots for college and retirement and basically didn’t need more money. Despite me explaining what I do all day (mom stuff, cooking, cleaning, etc) I am convinced he thought I sat around eating bon bons. I tried talking to my best friend who has always understood me without me having to explain hardly anything. She replied that she thought I would never be happy unless I had a job making my own money.

Again, floored. She had never been so off the mark. I was happy being a full-time mother and striving to be a published writer. But I realized she sounded tired and a bit short with me and I understood. She had been hiding the fact that she was losing the fight with cancer. I decided to stop bringing her my petty problems.

So, found out hubbie had no respect for me if I didn’t make money and lost my major shoulder to lean on. Thus began the downward spiral. More on my next blog on how I coped.