No tracking tip this week.
And no, my husband was not my best friend.
This was so very hard on me. It is interesting to note that when a family member dies, no matter how distant, everyone is so attentive and “I’m sorry” and “How are you doing?” and many cards and well wishes sent your way. But when a best friend dies, you get “I’m sorry. Seen any good movies lately?” My best friend was my number one supporter for everything. She held my hand when upset, yelled at me when I needed it, encouraged me to have and follow my dreams, helped me without expecting anything in return and brought so much into my life. Just as much if not more than any family member ever did. Her loss was devastating to me and the worst part was, nobody else cared about this.
Did you know there are all sorts of grief counseling for losing a family member and NONE for losing a friend? At least there weren’t when I was grieving. I searched long and hard but got the general feeling of people saying “It’s just a friend, get over it.” So I hid how devastated and sad I was. I tried reaching out but people would nod, say they will call and I would never hear from them again. I started pretending I was okay, doing fine because no one wanted to hear how lonely, sad and lost I felt. It didn’t help that her family pretty much cut off any communication to the outside world, wanting time to grieve but there wasn’t even a funeral and to this day I don’t even know where she is buried.
I still managed all my responsibilities but gained 20 pounds, became exhausted and I realized I needed to do something about the crushing sadness I was hiding from everyone. I got brave enough to tell my husband I was going to see a counselor. He was SURPRISED! “What do you need a counselor for?” Seriously? My best friend just died, I sleep 10 to 12 hours a day, and have gained weight even though I am not eating.
The counselor helped but after 8 sessions, decided I was fine. She said call if I needed but three weeks later I found she was leaving the state, turning over her practice to others. Crazy as it sounds, I felt abandoned. Here I had found someone to let out all my feelings to and she left! And around this time, my best friend’s husband started seeing someone who I knew was the absolute wrong person for him. 3 months after she died, he was dating. The only good news is that it didn’t last. Did I mention the one he started dating is my sister-in-law? I had to pretend to be okay with this as well.
All this anger, depression, grief, unhappiness in marriage, trying to work and raise two kids when hubby gone 2-3 weeks every month, finally took a toll on my health. As I kept feeling more tired and the weight kept piling on even though I was trying to exercise and diet (the typical answer to everything these days), I decided to see a doctor.
I didn’t know it at the time but I was suffering from Adrenal Fatigue. It took two years (not kidding) to figure it out and I did it mostly on my own. I came very close to hospitalization and looking back on it, I can see how it snuck up so gradually until I was firmly in its grasp.
My struggles to find out what was wrong with me was a long drawn out process and that story road is one (or even two) blogs worth. So next time. The good news is I think I only have two or three more negative, dark blogs and then my life starts to look up. And no one gets the credit for pulling myself up except myself!
Until then, try to de-stress and find ways to be happy and take time for yourself or you will be heading down this dark path as I did.
Blog hug. ((( )))